‘Twas the ‘Tism (and ADHD)

So, turns out, I have Autism and ADHD.

I’m still taking that in, and understanding what that means for me. Needless to say, its not much of a shock to my friends and (most of) my family, but like a lot of late diagnosed women, I had to find out via my children’s diagnoses.

Both of our sons are Autistic, which we’ve known since they were little, but its only been as they have gotten older, that we’ve started to notice similarities in not just form, but function, or lack thereof.

If you’ve come this far, how could it be Autism/ADHD?

This is a question i’ve been asked a surprising amount of times since I began researching whether I was neurodivergent, and honestly I think that’s the heart of the problem.

Late diagnosed adults, but especially Women and AFAB, don’t present like 7 year old boys (shocker I know). They are also far more likely (depending on culture) to be expected to maintain a degree of social cohesion, at least in my generation. Unexpected guests? No running off to your room, that’s rude, come and make some small talk, maybe even help make tea and coffee. Be charming. Be likeable. Put people at ease.

Oh you want a photo? Hold on, let me just line up my toys real quick

I wasn’t born a great communicator, I had to learn. I learned mostly by watching- movies, tv, family members, people at the shops. I watched what they said to each other, how they reacted, what expressions they used, what got a laugh, what got a frown. By the time I was 14, and starting my first job (at a video store, which remains my favourite job EVER), I had developed a robust ‘customer service’ persona, which served me well in 14 years of retail work.

When I was 20, I joined the local theatre group. It should come as no surprise, but theatre is a hub of neurodivergent people. Whether its the artistic expression, or the aptitude for pretending you’re someone that your not, most of my friends from that time have since been diagnosed with Autism or ADHD or both. Theatre helped me strengthen my skills a as communicator, but also to perfect a facade, one I would wear compulsively, until I had a breakdown in 2019.

But you were a ‘gifted’ student!

There’s a running joke around the interwebs, that the ‘gifted student’ to burned out neurdivergent pipeline is basically structural, but whether its ableism or just ignorance, the prevailing belief seems to be that all autistics are either profoundly intellectually disabled or genius savants. Most late diagnosed autistics fall into neither category.

Many of us either started off strong as kids and nose dived as teens, or were late to the party, but caught up. Thats the folks getting diagnosed now, the ones who weren’t enough of a problem for others to be noticed.

When imagining ADHD, most people see a hyperactive kid, usually a boy, parkouring the furniture, talking a mile a minute, probably joining a Ninja Warrior class. They don’t see the internal hyperactivity, the obsessive behaviour, the fear of failure. Its a great joke to finish every school task the night before (or day of!), just lazy, unmotivated kids, that will eventually grow out of it, once responsibility comes knocking. Spoiler alert, they absolutely won’t, in fact, it will get much much worse.

‘Kerrie needs to be more conscientious, talk less in class’

If I had a dollar for every school report that said that, I could pay off my house. Most of those reports also had straight A’s, so despite my apparent shortcomings, I still managed to achieve. I was so clever, that when I did struggle, it had to be because I wasn’t trying hard enough. How could I be in advanced English, but unable to get more than 60% on a maths test, in the ‘easy’ class? Must be laziness.

“Stop swinging on your chair and sit still!”, “Don’t look out the window, pay attention!”, “turn that TV off and concentrate”. Some of my greatest hits. I’d also like to give a personal shout out to Mr Peters who said I’d “drag down the class average!” the day before our History final. I ended up getting 98% on that test. Which for the curious was above the average.

But you coped, right?

Here’s the thing, if you don’t cope, you’re a problem, and if you do cope, you can’t HAVE a problem. See how that works?

Every person I know that is late diagnosed, has struggled. Financially, romantically, socially, just never “reaching their potential” (heard that one a million times).

I ran a successful cake business, I’m married, we own a home, I take care of myself and my family. How much could I be struggling??

Well for starters, I had started the cake business because being a stay at home Mum was breaking my spirit. I love my kids, but my brain needed more (ADHD). I got famous-ish because I worked my tail off (ADHD), and then drowned under stress and expectation (Autism). I had a slow motion breakdown in September 2019 to January 2020, then my mother died, and the slow motion breakdown sped up. The following month, our country shut down due to Covid. All of the flimsy coping mechanisms that had white knuckled me through the good times, were failing. It would be a further 6 years before a friend (who’s a psychologist) asked me if I had considered being assessed for Autism and ADHD.

Are you coming for my nephews funding?!

I’m 44, why bother getting diagnosed? What’s it going to change? Am I just after my share of NDIS funding?? All you have to do nowdays is say you have autism and they give you money!!!

First off, I’ve been dealing with the NDIS for our eldest son for 15 years. You have my absolute GUARANTEE that the NDIS doesn’t part with money, even when you are desperate. We had to have a ream of reports, including from emergency services, to get respite. EVERY family with a child on the NDIS can attest.

Second, I wouldn’t qualify for assistance for autism or ADHD, even if I wanted it, I may not even qualify for help with my chronic illnesses.

Lastly, why get diagnosed? Because I matter.

Because my life isn’t over at 44, and its never too late to learn new things, especially about yourself. I now know why I struggled the way I did in school. Why I excelled in English, leagues ahead of my classmates, but couldn’t do simple year 4 math even as an adult.

I now know that I struggle with loud noises, and smells and textures because that’s how my brain interprets them, not because I’m ‘soft’ or a ‘sook’. I know that I focus better with background noise like a comfort show, because my brain is so voracious that one type of input bores me. I can reach back in time and tell little Kerrie that she is the right amount of weird, and one day she’ll marry a man that’s as weird as her, and make wonderful weird babies. She’ll have a collection of Sylvanian Families that no one can throw away because she’s too old for that, and she can swing on any chair she wants. That she isn’t too much, that’s she’s awesome just as she is, even if she needs help from time to time.

That’s why diagnosis matters.

Kerrie (AuDHD) x